Content Warning: This story discusses sexual assault and may be triggering for some readers. Reader discretion is advised.

Today marks a year after I was sexually assaulted by someone I went on a date with in New York.

For those who are new subscribers or those who want to re-read my first article, Finding Light After Sexual Violence, which discusses my initial feelings regarding my experience.  

In some ways, it doesn’t feel that a year has gone by. I can still remember the event like it happened yesterday. Some days the event doesn’t bring up any negative feelings, and other times, it brings up a painful blend of shame, anger, sadness, and disgust. I was blessed to have access to free therapy through San Francisco Women Against Rape, that helped me work through these feelings and move forward from the event. I’m still working on processing the event and will continue to heal.

Since it’s been exactly a year, I would like to share five lessons that I have learned from this experience.

1.    It’s okay to ask for help

After I realized I had lost control of the situation while on the date, I was embarrassed to call the police, security, or ask someone for help. I was ashamed that I found myself in this situation and didn’t want to draw attention to myself. I now realize that it’s okay to ask for help and that if we need to get bystanders involved in a scary situation, then we can. We should never feel ashamed that we are in a bad situation because this can help us hopefully get out of the situation and maybe save our lives.

2.    Sexual assault is more common than we think

While I knew that sexual assault did happen, I didn’t think it was as common as it is in our society. According to the National Sexual Violence Center, 1 in 5 women have been raped or were almost raped. Additionally, 81% of women and 43% of men have experienced sexual harassment and/or assault in their lives. These sobering statistics underscore a real problem of sexual violence in our society. Every time I have shared my story with others, someone has said “The same thing happened to me” or “Something similar happened to me as well.” It’s very sad that this is such a common occurrence for people, especially women in our society.

3.    I can forgive myself

The hardest person to forgive has been myself in this situation. I continue replaying the red flags I missed and the different things I feel I should have done, but I must come to peace with myself that this situation happened the way it did. I’m still angry that he violated me and didn’t have any regard for me in this situation, but I still have the most anger toward myself. Therapy has been helpful in giving me the tools to process my feelings and give myself grace. I can forgive him and myself because I deserve to have peace about this situation and continue living my life.

4.    I am powerful

I felt quite powerless in this situation, especially physically and emotionally. During therapy, I was reminded that I do have a lot of power and agency in my life. I have autonomy over my life, and I am a powerful person. Even though I felt my power was taken away from me, I still have power to live my life the way I want to.

5.    We are not defined by the actions of others

I’m not defined by what he did to me. The cruel actions of others do not define who we are, but we define ourselves. I have felt this lingering sense of being damaged by this, but we all go through challenging situations in our lives, and we have the power of being resilient and coming out stronger. We can help other people who have experienced the same trauma to know they are not alone and can overcome it.

If you or anyone you know wants to talk about sexual assault, please reach out to the National Sexual Assault Hotline by calling (800–656-4673) or visiting RAINN which provides confidential support and guidance 24/7.